Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Observations Of Human Habit From The Safety Of The Mothership


What sort of arse flicks or wipes bogeys on the walls and door of a toilet cubicle at work? Is this some sort of throwback to potty training when they would shit the floor to let mummy know who was really in control? The snot tends to be dried up, but if I ever see a soggy one, I fear I may projectile vomit. Fuck! Public toilets are rotten places at the best of times, do they have to make them even worse? There are a couple of maldjusted and skanky candidates in the office who could be labelled as possible culprits, but it'll take a bit of detective work to flush them out, if you'll pardon the pun................
On the subject of regurgitation, I have noticed that when I see someone puking, the first thing I want to do is, well, puke.......... I'm always slightly worried that a drunk man staggering along Saracen Street in Possil Park on a Sunday afternoon as I walk to the speedway, will set off a massive chain reaction of vomiting that doesn't stop until a day later when the Queen politely excuses herself from a photo call with disadvantaged kiddies to go and 'talk to God on the big white telephone'.


Anyway, none of that matters, for I have seen the future and it's thick as fuck! Paying for my shopping in Lidl today, I noticed the Police on the premises, talking to the security guard. The staff room door opened briefly and I caught sight of a couple, maybe in their mid twenties, dishevelled and looking resigned to their fate. What really caught my eye was the mass of Iceland bags on the counter behind the tills. The security guard was demonstrating to the officer how the sticky fingered ones had been stuffing their bags with little 'extras', seemingly after having spent a fair old whack in the shop next door. I do realise that the temptation to nick stuff if you've just spent your Giro on a weeks shopping may be too much for some, but surely you would do your main shop at Lidl and nick yr 'bits' at Iceland? No?

Basically, they didn't need to steal anything, they had enough shopping to feed themselves and whatever brood they may have had. Sorry to say it folks, but these people ain't starving........

I will say this, the guys they have on security at Lidl just now are pretty good. I've seen some of the goons they hire and to be frank, they creep me out. One looked like a fat pervert and bored customers and check out assistants alike with his smarmy 'yeah, I know stuff' bullshit, a bit like a male version of the hideous she-bore I have to put up with at work. Another busied himself by telling customers how good certain products were, while no doubt some trackie clad skell was tucking packets of biscuits into his pockets on the other side of the store.

It may just be me, but it must be said that cut price supermarkets are a haven for dafties. On the whole both staff and customers are fine, but the very nature of these operations will attract people with only a very tenuous grip on reality and as such, they provide top notch, if slightly uncomfortable specatator sport.


Just don't make eye contact with them.................




2 comments:

The Birdwatcher said...

The recently opened and much hyped Sainsburys Local attracts the sixties casulties in Buxton. It used to be a Kwik Save so that probably explains it.

iLL Man said...

BW - Ah! All is clear. Where I live, Iceland is popular and cheap Lidl have excellent cold meats, a good fruit selection and lots of oddball European brands at good prices, but nothing you could feed many kids without them turning their nose up.